I am the first to admit that my 5 year old child is a strong willed little girl. From early on in her toddler years we noticed she would have temper tantrums over simple things if there weren’t just so.
Bedtime has been a challenge over the years. So has getting ready for school with hair done and the right clothes. Getting her to eat her food can be challenging too. Sometimes a trip to the store can become a power struggle over a toy we didn’t need.
Does this sound at all like your child?
On the brighter side of things, I’ve also watched her create amazing designs and stories with great determination. Become an amazing big sister and little sister by helping and loving her sister and brother. I’ve observed her expressing herself and her wants and needs to our family and to her friends.
Having a child with a strong voice is a good thing.
Having a child who feels deeply about things lets you know they are connected.
I think she is one of the most special people I’ve ever met and love her to the moon and back and can’t wait to see her as she grows and matures!
My hope is that one day she will use these skills in some type of leadership role.
What gifts do you see in your child?
However, with all that being said, we still need her to follow our rules and maintain self-control in our home and when we’re out and about.
We’ve come up with 8 simple things that are working to give her the environment she needs to make her feel that she has a choice and does have power in her daily life.
Most power struggles begin from a child feeling that they are not in control which is something they seek very early on as a form of independence.
Ask yourself…What are some ways to help your child feel like they are “in control” and have “a voice” even though you as the parent are in control of the environment and rules?
Here are some answers I’ve come up over the years with my own three children and hundreds of children in my classrooms.
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.
Strategies for Raising a Strong Willed Child
Strategies, tips and resources that you can use to help your strong willed child manage their emotions, homework time, chores and more.
1. Keep your Calm Voice
First of all, keep your cool when you sense that Strong Willed Child expressing those needs and wants in an uncontrolled way.
When children sense you’re being affected by their behavior they will continue because that means it’s working and they just might get their way, whether it’s good or bad behavior, if it’s working they’ll keep doing it.
You can also vocalize what you see their body language doing so that they become conscious of it too.
Be a good listener.
2. Create Positive Choices using Consistent Rules
Create an environment of positive choices. If you want them to pick up the toys and they are refusing, give them a choice that still ends in the result you want. You might say “You can pick up the dolls or the princess stuff first?” or “It’s time to clean up. You can pick up the red ones or the yellow ones”.
Either choice makes them have to clean up but you are giving her a choice which feels like power.
Be clear about your expectations and rules by talking about them when your child is listening and communicating calmly with you.
Most importantly praise and be your child’s biggest cheerleader!
3. Create Goals Together and Chart It
Whenever we observe an undesired behavior arising we try to resolve it by encouraging her to come up with a Behavior Management Chart . We sit down together on the computer and create a chart. She helps us to write the rule and theme.
Then we print it out and she decorates it and hangs it up. We’ve created it together and she feels that she’s had a voice, a part of the control that she’s seeking.
All it takes is a week or two with the chart and we’ve seen a big improvement with that specific behavior issue. It’s worked for staying in her bed at night, combing her hair, watching TV, cleaning up toys, eating her food, controlling temper tantrums.
Truthfully it’s worked over the years in my classrooms and it very easily works at home. Pick a goal and work with your child for a few weeks and you will see such a difference.
4. Create Structure and Routine
We’ve found that she functions much better when things were told in advance and structured for her. When she knows the weekly schedule and the daily schedule she’s easily able to predict what’s going to happen next. Children thrive on structure in their lives and the predictability of it.
5. Pick your Focus Keeping Safety First
We’ve also learned that you have to pick your battles with a strong willed child. First and foremost safety first and there are no exceptions to those rules. However in order to successfully experience each day with your child, sometimes you have to focus on a specific area and reach that goal before you can address other goals.
6. Create the Art of Distraction
We’ve found that distraction can help to prevent some strong willed behaviors. As we see it coming we try to find a task, job or interest that will take her to a different thought process.
You could also try using a Calming Sensory Bottle, a soothing creation designed to provide a serene and peaceful sensory experience.
7. Take Care of Basic Needs First
We’ve learned to ask ourselves 3 questions when we find our child choosing a strong willed behavior. Are they tired? Are they hungry? Are they getting enough attention from me? Many times the whole situation could have been avoided if we made sure these simple needs were met.
Think of those outbursts at the park, on vacation or at Disney and you just can’t understand why, and then you realize they are off their schedules, haven’t had a nap, and did not eat all their breakfast.
Yeap… basic needs first.
8. Create Simple Systems that are Predictable
We had trouble getting ready for school with choosing outfits that she wanted to wear. As you know most 4 & 5 year old girls would wear a dress every single day if they could, plus we had to deal with uniforms this year too. We came up with a simple solution.
Every Sunday she picks out her outfits and puts them into the Days of the Week Holder. She picks, from a selection I’ve set out, the outfit, socks, hair bow and shoes.
We’re giving her a sense of control as she selects her outfits. Plus it keeps us organized for when we have to leave for school so early in the mornings. Then on those mornings where she is having a strong willed moment and doesn’t want to wear something we simply remind her that she choose that day what to wear and needs to stick with her plan.
Things to Remember for Parenting a Strong Willed Child
Children need love, attention, and praise
Children need boundaries, structure, and consistency
Children need goals that are achievable
Children need a positive safe environment with positive choices
Ask yourself does my child need sleep, food, or more attention from me?
A few books about raising a Strong Willed Child that you may find helpful to read as you learn what works for your child.
Behavior Charts for Strong Willed Children
Here are a few of the materials that we’ve found to be helpful as we encourage our child to make good choices at home. They are chore charts, responsibility charts and behavior charts to help your child with visual prompts to help their routine and structure at home.
Early childhood teacher, author, speaker and mom of 3. Kim shares ways to make learning fun and parenting an adventure by sharing developmentally appropriate activities.
It got me when you said that a child may sometimes throw a tantrum or something similar while in the middle of a walk because their basic needs were not met, like napping. My younger brother is already a teenager, but I think that he still has this need. Though since he is now bigger, there are times when mom can’t control him. I will tell her about this, and I will also ask her to be involved in a parenting lesson as well for more info.
I have always wanted my child to be strong-willed. I didn’t know that consistent rules were so important. I think school creates a great environment of keeping and following rules. I will have to look into school for my kids.
Saroja Bsays
This is so helpful with the simple steps. I liked the idea of the daily wears to be kept in the day wise racks. These might sound very simple activities but the results are adorable. Great ideas and great knowledge. Thank you for sharing.
Michellesays
I love these idea’s.
These are nice reminders that each kid is different and not one idea fits everyone.
Good Job Kim on aggregating your thoughts in a very well written article.
Maggiesays
These are fabulous idea’s at one spot.
I have been struggling to find recommendations for how to get my son to be not this hard headed, I sure will try some of these idea’s. Thank you Kim for writing this blog post.
By the way – I also see that you have a book coming out soon. I am looking forward to using the book with my 5 year old son this summer. Wohooo… Thank you for all you do.
God Bless You..
Cindysays
Wish my Sissy read this article like YESTERDAY. I will pass this link along to her. Very beneficial. TY
Anonymoussays
A lot of you are describing classic PDA (pathalogical demand avoidance) which sits on the autism spectrum, look it up for further tips that might help you….
Anonymoussays
This was absolutely amazing. Something i really needed to read. thank you so much for great ideas oh how to handle my own strong willed child. I am hoping if i can try to introduce some of these ideas it will help her more.
Anonymoussays
It's great advice! I have a bright 5 year old boy who is strong willed he just started kindergarten and just seems to be having a great deal of difficulty respecting authority, i support the teacher and really emphasize on an open communication bbecauseI want my child to learn to be productive in social settings like school and work in the future. I implement many things but especially granting him the opportunity to make choices on options we give him, is it even appropriate to speak to his teacher of this? I mean it's little things now but I don't want things to get unmanageable and especially don't want my son to dislike authority and feel the need to press his case always. Managing his feelings when he feels disrespected in this way can be overwhelming for him and it just drives him to continue to an unruly path.
Anonymoussays
I want to give you all a heads up…my child was once considered strong willed…she is now 17 and has many dx of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, anxeity disorder, mood disorder….your difficult little one doesn't always out grow these personality traits…they just become more difficult. Hitting the teens years are difficult as it is but add this disorder and you can add drug use, alcohol, lying, stealing, running away, etc… Get your child profession help early and DBT therapy.
Michellesays
If you figure it out, write a book and make a million dollars. Getting family on board is one of the most aggravating parts of parenting. They either will or won't help you and I haven't had much luck myself.
Michellesays
Personally, I was that kind of kid, and nothing in the universe would have made me "back down" from my position. I think about the only thing you can work on is HOW she says things. For example, instead of saying, "That is disgusting and I am NOT eating it." ask her to say, "I really don't care for that, I think I will skip it." That way she still feels in control, but is not coming across as sassy or rude. It is the same message but so much softer around the edges. Take heart, if she is like me, she'll do great and stand up for her self when it really counts.
Anonymoussays
Another good tool to utilize is the HALT approach. If your child is having a meltdown, first take care of "is he HUNGRY, is he ANGRY, is he LONELY or is he TIRED". It helps tremendously!
Christa Pottersays
Thank you for this advice! I've been doing a lot of research and coming up with great techniques to try with my very strong willed 6 yr old daughter. I don't want to stifle her confidence and stubbornness for all the positive things it will bring her in life but in all my searching I am struggling to find recommendations for how to get her to respect authority figures and stop talking back. If she feels she is right about something she will not back down. While this is of course a huge problem at home it is also a problem with her teachers and on the bus. How do I get her to stand up for herself yet accept she needs to respect authority figures and do as she is asked or stop insisting on being "right".
I love this! My oldest son has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and Anxiety. We are now homeschooling (which was never in our plan) because public school just wasn't working for him. I am interested in following along with this series. My goal for 2014 is to tell my story and our strategies as well.
Anonymoussays
This is great! Thanks for the helpful info. The links for the charts for #3 do not work. I'm looking for sample charts to help with my child. Could please provide the links to the charts?
Anonymoussays
These are great ideas. My dad always told me that it's good to have a strong willed kid because they grow up to be more independent. For now it's certainly difficult.
Tamra Adnansays
love love LOVE your advice about parenting a strong willed child!!! I have a question- may you all can help me out with THIS situation: My nephew is 3…in December his mom went to the hospital, gave birth to his lil brother.. He went literally overnight from being an only child to an older brother- from getting ALL of the attention to now only getting SOME of it. Ok Question: When he comes to our house, which is like everyday for my mother in law to take care of him and his mom takes care of the new baby… HERE I can easily keep him calm and under control. We've established rules and consequences. I've taught him to say "please and thank you" excuse me and all of those 'magic words' The problem is, my mother in law, who lives with us, does not follow these methods and at home he basically does whatever he wants…When he is here he is so fun to be with, but he's started becoming very aggressive and screaming and so rude and impolite. When he's with ME, I don't tolerate him "ordering" me to give him a drink or whatever. I say to him "what do you say?" and then he changes and says "PLEASE can I have a drink?" How in the heck do I get his grandmother and his mother to start being consistent and routine with this child? He is a lot of fun -with me- but when his other family members are around he's like a completely different child! A monster who I simply don't like to be around. Any advice? Thanks- Tara
Anonymoussays
I have a wonderful son who is very strong willed is very smart but,will not produce what he knows in school.He's repeating first grade next year. I cant help feeling like a bad parent..although I know he knows I love him with all my heart. It seems like he's pushing me away as he gets older. We do thing together, we talk, it just always seems that he's going threw something.He's never been disrespectful, yet now he's talking out in class a lot. I've done behavior charts. a weekly allowance for being the best he can be.
Rachel Pagesays
Good article on, well, those tough cookies of ours!
Sulonasays
Thank you so much for sharing your advice. I have a strong willed 6 year old and although we are doing a lot of the things you mentioned I will implement more structure during our morning routine. This might help to get us to school on time in the mornings
novasure arizonasays
These directions will do me good. I am so happy i've discovered it.
Anonymoussays
I loved this! I was a strong willed child and my poor parents had ZERO clue about how to parent me(I knew what I needed, but I was the child, what did I know?). There was a lot of restriction and very little positive reinforcement. Knowing this about myself(and my husband)I am preparing for the day when we too will have a whip-smart, strong willed child of our own. Of course we could get lucky and have an easy-going child like our siblings…..one can only hope…right?!!
Anne Kimballsays
Hi Kim, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm and I’m visiting from the Kids Activities Blog Hop.
Ah, the strong-willed child. I've had my share of those! Not easy, but as you pointed out in your excellent post, they have their rewards, too. They're a special breed, aren't they?
Anyway, thanks for posting this. If you’ve never visited yet, I hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…
Anonymoussays
I really appreciate this post. I have a strong willed 2nd grader. I didn't read all the comments but a common thread with strong willed children seems to be difficulty with transitions. This is one of my sons greatest struggles. I have a few things I'd like to share that worked with him. His school has been very accommodating to his needs. He is a very bright student but he struggled in the less structured parts of the day/ transition times. Two major things were done. 1. He is offered "bridge activities" a smaller activity to get him from point A to point B. Some might think it's creating more transitions but for him it's worked. Also for classes he had trouble settling into, e.g., music he has an activity basket. His teachers told him that he could sit with his activity basket after 15 minutes of engaged time in music. And slowly built up from there to where he usually participates for the full hour. He likes to draw so his basket has mainly art supplies in it. At home, at school…wherever in my mind the most important thing is positive reinforcement. Catch them being good, staying on task, doing something that they often struggle with. Have that BIG reaction then! This goes miles with my guy. Conversely butting heads with him is a big loose, loose situation. And everyone feels defeated, frustrated and mad afterwards. Encourage teachers to give your kids "caught being good" tickets for behavior they want repeated. My son's teachers do this and we have a rewards system at home that's centered around the "caught being goods" I'm thinking of handing them out at home for fun and even more positive reinforcement!
Jenna@CallHerHappysays
I could have wrote every word of this about my daughter. Thanks so much for the post; definitely pinning it 🙂 I always laugh at what my sister-in-law once said, "We want our kids to be strong-willed and have opinions of their own…just not around us!"
AylaRsays
Maybe mine is more strong willed then most because I have tried many of those and none seem to work. Distraction worked until she turned two. Giving her choices doesn't work unless one of the choices is exactly what she wants. Keeping a calm voice hasn't worked, she makes me think she likes me to yell. I could continue on and on. I'm at my wits end with this one! On a more positive note many of these tips worked on my oldest daughter.
Prestyn's Momsays
Exactly. Because all teachings have to be age appropriate. "discipline" means nothing to th youngest of toddlers
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
I just fixed the link, not sure what happened. Thanks for stopping by and letting me know Nichole.
Nicholesays
Great ideas! the link didn't work for the article on strong willed spirited child.
Darla Saunderssays
I believe I have a strong willed 3 year old little girl!! She drives me crazy at times, but then there are those times she blows me out of the water!!! We have found that art is very soothing for her, give her color crayons or paint anything and she is so focused on that and I can see her mind just going into whatever she is making!!! One problem we are having is at our church's childcare (or any situation with new people or new settings) we have been at the same church and she has been in the same class for 10 months now and still has not said a word to anyone or played with any kids! Is this part of her strong will? If so, any suggestions? Doctors are wanting to diagnose her with an anxiety disorder, but I'm wondering if its just her strong will. It seems like her biggest problem in these settings is that she has no control. She wont even talk to me in these situations. Any advice would be helpful!!!!
Anonymoussays
Would be amazing if you could do a pin board for strong willed children. Examples such as the clothing organizer which is GENIUS!
Serenasays
I was a strong willed child and some of these ideas would have helped me growing up. I'm sure I'll have a strong willed child and these tips will help me in that adventure some day 🙂 Thank you.
Anonymoussays
Thank you so much for posting this. I thought my child was the only one, she isn't bad she just is so HARD HEADED in her own ways. I have three kids and my four year old can make or break a day, some days Im at wits end and I think your suggestions are amazing. Its also nice to know Im not alone.
Karasays
I'd love to know more about what you do at bedtime. My four year old daughter sounds so similar to yours and bedtime – staying in bed is such a struggle and source of much frustration in our house. Thanks!
This is a terrific tip… in the classroom I used to have a timer that would I set with a little ding or a song as a clue for my students that you can five more minutes before we're moving to the next thing. Think about if you were in the middle of doing something and all of a sudden your spouse said get on your shoes we're leaving. Transitions are a big stuggle for children if they don't know the routine of things.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks Stacey for your kind words. I agree stress can add so much to a family and how children react.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
You'll have to let us know how the behavior chart works and what goals you're starting with. Good luck!
small + friendlysays
Thank you so mcuhf or this. I knew I had pinned for good reason and reading it again now I've had an awe ha moment! We do everything except the chart. Today we are creating a behavior chart, I feel like have something to try instead of just feeling frustrated. Thank you so much!
Randomly Fascinatedsays
Thanks for linking up to Friday Fascinations! Don’t forget to link up to this week’s party!
Stacey Berubesays
This is such a great list! My daughter has been strong willed since the day she was born. Some of these tips we already use & some I will keep in mind as she gets older! Its very true "Think of those outbursts at the park, on vacation or at Disney and you just can’t understand why and then you realize they are off their schedules, haven’t had a nap and did not eat all their breakfast. Yeap… basic needs first." Also we have realized if mommy or daddy are stressed(be it from home, work or just life in general) she feeds off it & we have more outbursts. Thank you for this great post!
Great ideas, I have read some of them before and implemented many of them with my VERY strongwilled, red-headed, daughter. Something else that took us a LONG time to figure out was change. She hates change and so when we were out on a playdate, park, etc and she was happily playing she would pitch a ROYAL fit when we said time to go. So we started getting her undivided attention and gave her a warning, "In 10 minutes we have to go" and made sure she understood, then we would give her the 5 minute warning and when it came time to actually go, she would come without incident. I think letting her warm up to the change in activity or venue has helped us tremendously.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks Kimberellie for the kind words and for the link!
Kimberelliesays
Thanks! This is a great list! I have a feeling (oh such a certain one) that my baby daughter is strong willed! She is SO determined! And feisty! Nothing at all like my easy going son! Actually, she is rather like me! I wonder if you have taken the quiz to see if your daughter is also highly sensitive. She sounds like she might be! I think mine is, as I am. I think being highly sensitive and strong willed often go hand in hand!
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks Katherine for sharing… it's good to hear that sometimes there are children who just need more structure in their lives. I hope the beginning of school goes well for everyone. I would try to do the same thing with clothes so that mornings aren't a battle for you.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Debi we had trouble with my daughter with the gym daycare and we started to talk about it more and more when we weren't there and how much fun it is to be able to go to your own school, we called it that even though it was just a sitter. We made a little book about it. The other thing we did was have an item that transitioned with us from each place, it was a little doll. We also had a planned activity for when she arrived at the daycare. She loved to color so she would get to pick her own little coloring sheet out and it worked out really well. I'm sharing our little school book next week on our site so perhaps you can print it off and create it with her. Again another option it to talk about the ways to get to the sitter's door from your car… have a handful of ideas like butterflies, birds, rabbits, big bears. Feel free to email us and I can give you more ideas.
AJGsays
Great ideas! What does the goal chart look like? I take it from the comments you can use it with more than one goal at a time? Do you and/or your child then rate themselves on how successful they were in achieving their goals each day? Thanks for the idea!
Debisays
I have a four year old strong willed little girl. We run a highly structured house because of her. It has helped a lot. However, one area that just hasn't gotten better is drop off time at the sitter. She loves the sitter, and never wants to leave. So I know it is a transition issue. She goes 3 days a week to the sitter, and every day from Aug to May last year, she cried (screamed!) because I would not carry her from the van to the house. I have a two year old also, I do not carry either one of them. I have to pick this battle or they will both want to be carried (that and she is 4!) Do you have any suggestions? I go back to work next week (I am a teacher) and am really dreading drop off time. Thanks!!
Katherine Carrollsays
Oh my goodness! This post feels like it was written about my 6yr old daughter. Ever since she was 2 it has been a constant battle. Everyone kept telling me "oh its the terrible 2s" then "terrible 3s" eventually it just became oh no she is just a strong willed little girl. She fought with me today because I gave her kool-aid with her meal instead of milk. I am going to have to print this out and post it where I can see it on a daily basis. I did the clothes organizer last year for kindergarten and it was a life saver. I am really going to need it now that her school closed and we are going to public school and so no more uniforms. I cant wait for those battles! They really do need structure. This is why part of me is not a big fan of summer vacation bc their structure of school comes to a stop. Now I have to build a structure during the summer which is hard bc we are always doing something different each day. Then it is back to the structure of school. I am trying to find a good way of transitioning from one to the other. Thanks for the great tips I need them.
I'm so glad you stopped by and shared. 2 years old is a busy time when they are ready for the world but also learning to talk and not always able to express themselves and their wants and needs. Can cause lots of temper tantrums. I'm glad you found some things here to prepare for the near future.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks Amanda! I'd love to hear if you have some more suggestions to add to the list of what works well with your kids too?
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks Cassie! Each one of my children have been very different, for the most part in teaching these strategies have worked pretty well for me over the years.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks Jannell! I hope that the goal chart will work out for you. Keep in mind when creating it to consider picking one goal you know she'll achieve easily, children need to feel successful. Then you can pick one desired goal that she can work on.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks for sharing, the more tools parents can have in their pockets the better it is for everyone.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Bethany I'm so glad you found a few new ones, you'll have to let us know how they work out.
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks, I hope you'll be able to use them with your little one too!
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
We started it at when Kindergarten started at age 5, althought we probably could have started it sooner in Preschool since that was when I noticed some frustations with getting dressed with the things I was picking out. It's funny becuase my son could have cared less even though becoming a teenager of what to wear. Every child is unique.
Amysays
Some great comments that make me feel more positive. My daughter is 2 coming on 15 I think! However like you have mentioned she is very creative, talkative and confident. It is funny as I have adopted some of these techniques without realising it. I love the idea about getting ready in a morning at what age did you start this process?
Anonymoussays
Great tips! I feel so identified, having a strong willed child myself. Will most definatly try some of your tips!
Bethanysays
Thanks, I think this is a great article. I know many of these tips have worked with my kids and I'm going to try the new ones I learned!
This is really awesome! I love how you kept control over the problem areas by helping her feel more control over them. Genius! I tweeted and stumbled this post.
These are awesome! Its also a good reminder for myself that each child is different and I cant parent all my girls the same! My second born is definitely a strong-willed child and I can already see how these will work for her. (we already do a lot of this at home now) The goal chart is my favorite! We are going to do this today!! Thank you!!
Anonymoussays
Thank you for this post! My daughter is 2yrs old and is extremely strong willed. It has taken me a while to catch on, but I use some of the same strategies that you have listed and WOW! was a difference it has made. With her, communication is big! You have offered some ideas for obstacles that I will run into in the future. Thanks again.
Kim these are great ideas! I like how you have included a variety of ideas as I know things work differently for my kids in different situations. I just adore how you have structured your morning routine to help give your daughter control ahead of time with her outfit choices and I am looking for something to organize this for next year!!!
Kim @ The Educators Spin On Itsays
Thanks! Sometimes you have to pick your battles with a strong willed child and these are preventative measures to be able to find those teachable moments.
Anonymoussays
Distraction and redirection will not teach what the correct behavior should be. Aside from this, great tips!
It got me when you said that a child may sometimes throw a tantrum or something similar while in the middle of a walk because their basic needs were not met, like napping. My younger brother is already a teenager, but I think that he still has this need. Though since he is now bigger, there are times when mom can’t control him. I will tell her about this, and I will also ask her to be involved in a parenting lesson as well for more info.
I have always wanted my child to be strong-willed. I didn’t know that consistent rules were so important. I think school creates a great environment of keeping and following rules. I will have to look into school for my kids.
This is so helpful with the simple steps. I liked the idea of the daily wears to be kept in the day wise racks. These might sound very simple activities but the results are adorable. Great ideas and great knowledge. Thank you for sharing.
I love these idea’s.
These are nice reminders that each kid is different and not one idea fits everyone.
Good Job Kim on aggregating your thoughts in a very well written article.
These are fabulous idea’s at one spot.
I have been struggling to find recommendations for how to get my son to be not this hard headed, I sure will try some of these idea’s. Thank you Kim for writing this blog post.
By the way – I also see that you have a book coming out soon. I am looking forward to using the book with my 5 year old son this summer. Wohooo… Thank you for all you do.
God Bless You..
Wish my Sissy read this article like YESTERDAY. I will pass this link along to her. Very beneficial. TY
A lot of you are describing classic PDA (pathalogical demand avoidance) which sits on the autism spectrum, look it up for further tips that might help you….
This was absolutely amazing. Something i really needed to read. thank you so much for great ideas oh how to handle my own strong willed child. I am hoping if i can try to introduce some of these ideas it will help her more.
It's great advice! I have a bright 5 year old boy who is strong willed he just started kindergarten and just seems to be having a great deal of difficulty respecting authority, i support the teacher and really emphasize on an open communication bbecauseI want my child to learn to be productive in social settings like school and work in the future. I implement many things but especially granting him the opportunity to make choices on options we give him, is it even appropriate to speak to his teacher of this? I mean it's little things now but I don't want things to get unmanageable and especially don't want my son to dislike authority and feel the need to press his case always. Managing his feelings when he feels disrespected in this way can be overwhelming for him and it just drives him to continue to an unruly path.
I want to give you all a heads up…my child was once considered strong willed…she is now 17 and has many dx of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, anxeity disorder, mood disorder….your difficult little one doesn't always out grow these personality traits…they just become more difficult. Hitting the teens years are difficult as it is but add this disorder and you can add drug use, alcohol, lying, stealing, running away, etc… Get your child profession help early and DBT therapy.
If you figure it out, write a book and make a million dollars. Getting family on board is one of the most aggravating parts of parenting. They either will or won't help you and I haven't had much luck myself.
Personally, I was that kind of kid, and nothing in the universe would have made me "back down" from my position. I think about the only thing you can work on is HOW she says things. For example, instead of saying, "That is disgusting and I am NOT eating it." ask her to say, "I really don't care for that, I think I will skip it." That way she still feels in control, but is not coming across as sassy or rude. It is the same message but so much softer around the edges. Take heart, if she is like me, she'll do great and stand up for her self when it really counts.
Another good tool to utilize is the HALT approach. If your child is having a meltdown, first take care of "is he HUNGRY, is he ANGRY, is he LONELY or is he TIRED". It helps tremendously!
Thank you for this advice! I've been doing a lot of research and coming up with great techniques to try with my very strong willed 6 yr old daughter. I don't want to stifle her confidence and stubbornness for all the positive things it will bring her in life but in all my searching I am struggling to find recommendations for how to get her to respect authority figures and stop talking back. If she feels she is right about something she will not back down. While this is of course a huge problem at home it is also a problem with her teachers and on the bus. How do I get her to stand up for herself yet accept she needs to respect authority figures and do as she is asked or stop insisting on being "right".
I love this! My oldest son has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and Anxiety. We are now homeschooling (which was never in our plan) because public school just wasn't working for him. I am interested in following along with this series. My goal for 2014 is to tell my story and our strategies as well.
This is great! Thanks for the helpful info. The links for the charts for #3 do not work. I'm looking for sample charts to help with my child. Could please provide the links to the charts?
These are great ideas. My dad always told me that it's good to have a strong willed kid because they
grow up to be more independent. For now it's certainly difficult.
love love LOVE your advice about parenting a strong willed child!!! I have a question- may you all can help me out with THIS situation:
My nephew is 3…in December his mom went to the hospital, gave birth to his lil brother.. He went literally overnight from being an only child to an older brother- from getting ALL of the attention to now only getting SOME of it.
Ok Question:
When he comes to our house, which is like everyday for my mother in law to take care of him and his mom takes care of the new baby… HERE I can easily keep him calm and under control. We've established rules and consequences. I've taught him to say "please and thank you" excuse me and all of those 'magic words' The problem is, my mother in law, who lives with us, does not follow these methods and at home he basically does whatever he wants…When he is here he is so fun to be with, but he's started becoming very aggressive and screaming and so rude and impolite. When he's with ME, I don't tolerate him "ordering" me to give him a drink or whatever. I say to him "what do you say?" and then he changes and says "PLEASE can I have a drink?" How in the heck do I get his grandmother and his mother to start being consistent and routine with this child? He is a lot of fun -with me- but when his other family members are around he's like a completely different child! A monster who I simply don't like to be around.
Any advice?
Thanks-
Tara
I have a wonderful son who is very strong willed is very smart but,will not produce what he knows in school.He's repeating first grade next year. I cant help feeling like a bad parent..although I know he knows I love him with all my heart. It seems like he's pushing me away as he gets older. We do thing together, we talk, it just always seems that he's going threw something.He's never been disrespectful, yet now he's talking out in class a lot. I've done behavior charts. a weekly allowance for being the best he can be.
Good article on, well, those tough cookies of ours!
Thank you so much for sharing your advice. I have a strong willed 6 year old and although we are doing a lot of the things you mentioned I will implement more structure during our morning routine. This might help to get us to school on time in the mornings
These directions will do me good. I am so happy i've discovered it.
I loved this! I was a strong willed child and my poor parents had ZERO clue about how to parent me(I knew what I needed, but I was the child, what did I know?). There was a lot of restriction and very little positive reinforcement. Knowing this about myself(and my husband)I am preparing for the day when we too will have a whip-smart, strong willed child of our own. Of course we could get lucky and have an easy-going child like our siblings…..one can only hope…right?!!
Hi Kim, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm and I’m visiting from the Kids Activities Blog Hop.
Ah, the strong-willed child. I've had my share of those! Not easy, but as you pointed out in your excellent post, they have their rewards, too. They're a special breed, aren't they?
Anyway, thanks for posting this. If you’ve never visited yet, I hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…
I really appreciate this post. I have a strong willed 2nd grader. I didn't read all the comments but a common thread with strong willed children seems to be difficulty with transitions. This is one of my sons greatest struggles. I have a few things I'd like to share that worked with him. His school has been very accommodating to his needs. He is a very bright student but he struggled in the less structured parts of the day/ transition times. Two major things were done. 1. He is offered "bridge activities" a smaller activity to get him from point A to point B. Some might think it's creating more transitions but for him it's worked. Also for classes he had trouble settling into, e.g., music he has an activity basket. His teachers told him that he could sit with his activity basket after 15 minutes of engaged time in music. And slowly built up from there to where he usually participates for the full hour. He likes to draw so his basket has mainly art supplies in it. At home, at school…wherever in my mind the most important thing is positive reinforcement. Catch them being good, staying on task, doing something that they often struggle with. Have that BIG reaction then! This goes miles with my guy. Conversely butting heads with him is a big loose, loose situation. And everyone feels defeated, frustrated and mad afterwards. Encourage teachers to give your kids "caught being good" tickets for behavior they want repeated. My son's teachers do this and we have a rewards system at home that's centered around the "caught being goods" I'm thinking of handing them out at home for fun and even more positive reinforcement!
I could have wrote every word of this about my daughter. Thanks so much for the post; definitely pinning it 🙂 I always laugh at what my sister-in-law once said, "We want our kids to be strong-willed and have opinions of their own…just not around us!"
Maybe mine is more strong willed then most because I have tried many of those and none seem to work. Distraction worked until she turned two. Giving her choices doesn't work unless one of the choices is exactly what she wants. Keeping a calm voice hasn't worked, she makes me think she likes me to yell. I could continue on and on. I'm at my wits end with this one! On a more positive note many of these tips worked on my oldest daughter.
Exactly. Because all teachings have to be age appropriate. "discipline" means nothing to th youngest of toddlers
I just fixed the link, not sure what happened. Thanks for stopping by and letting me know Nichole.
Great ideas! the link didn't work for the article on strong willed spirited child.
I believe I have a strong willed 3 year old little girl!! She drives me crazy at times, but then there are those times she blows me out of the water!!! We have found that art is very soothing for her, give her color crayons or paint anything and she is so focused on that and I can see her mind just going into whatever she is making!!! One problem we are having is at our church's childcare (or any situation with new people or new settings) we have been at the same church and she has been in the same class for 10 months now and still has not said a word to anyone or played with any kids! Is this part of her strong will? If so, any suggestions? Doctors are wanting to diagnose her with an anxiety disorder, but I'm wondering if its just her strong will. It seems like her biggest problem in these settings is that she has no control. She wont even talk to me in these situations. Any advice would be helpful!!!!
Would be amazing if you could do a pin board for strong willed children. Examples such as the clothing organizer which is GENIUS!
I was a strong willed child and some of these ideas would have helped me growing up. I'm sure I'll have a strong willed child and these tips will help me in that adventure some day 🙂 Thank you.
Thank you so much for posting this. I thought my child was the only one, she isn't bad she just is so HARD HEADED in her own ways. I have three kids and my four year old can make or break a day, some days Im at wits end and I think your suggestions are amazing. Its also nice to know Im not alone.
I'd love to know more about what you do at bedtime. My four year old daughter sounds so similar to yours and bedtime – staying in bed is such a struggle and source of much frustration in our house. Thanks!
I am honestly going to try this with my fiancĂ©! I've already done a chores schedule, so we will see if it works…been a bit frustrating lately. Thanks for the post!
This is a terrific tip… in the classroom I used to have a timer that would I set with a little ding or a song as a clue for my students that you can five more minutes before we're moving to the next thing. Think about if you were in the middle of doing something and all of a sudden your spouse said get on your shoes we're leaving. Transitions are a big stuggle for children if they don't know the routine of things.
Thanks Stacey for your kind words. I agree stress can add so much to a family and how children react.
You'll have to let us know how the behavior chart works and what goals you're starting with. Good luck!
Thank you so mcuhf or this. I knew I had pinned for good reason and reading it again now I've had an awe ha moment! We do everything except the chart. Today we are creating a behavior chart, I feel like have something to try instead of just feeling frustrated. Thank you so much!
Thanks for linking up to Friday Fascinations! Don’t forget to link up to this week’s party!
This is such a great list! My daughter has been strong willed since the day she was born. Some of these tips we already use & some I will keep in mind as she gets older! Its very true "Think of those outbursts at the park, on vacation or at Disney and you just can’t understand why and then you realize they are off their schedules, haven’t had a nap and did not eat all their breakfast. Yeap… basic needs first." Also we have realized if mommy or daddy are stressed(be it from home, work or just life in general) she feeds off it & we have more outbursts. Thank you for this great post!
Wow, great ideas! My Little guy is super easy, but I know there is a chance that I will someday have a strong willed child. I am pinning this in case I ever do 🙂
I would love to have you link this up to my linky party! http://domesticrandomness.blogspot.com/2012/08/friday-fascinations-3-everything-linky.html
Great ideas, I have read some of them before and implemented many of them with my VERY strongwilled, red-headed, daughter. Something else that took us a LONG time to figure out was change. She hates change and so when we were out on a playdate, park, etc and she was happily playing she would pitch a ROYAL fit when we said time to go. So we started getting her undivided attention and gave her a warning, "In 10 minutes we have to go" and made sure she understood, then we would give her the 5 minute warning and when it came time to actually go, she would come without incident. I think letting her warm up to the change in activity or venue has helped us tremendously.
Thanks Kimberellie for the kind words and for the link!
Thanks! This is a great list! I have a feeling (oh such a certain one) that my baby daughter is strong willed! She is SO determined! And feisty! Nothing at all like my easy going son! Actually, she is rather like me! I wonder if you have taken the quiz to see if your daughter is also highly sensitive. She sounds like she might be! I think mine is, as I am. I think being highly sensitive and strong willed often go hand in hand!
Thanks Katherine for sharing… it's good to hear that sometimes there are children who just need more structure in their lives. I hope the beginning of school goes well for everyone. I would try to do the same thing with clothes so that mornings aren't a battle for you.
Debi we had trouble with my daughter with the gym daycare and we started to talk about it more and more when we weren't there and how much fun it is to be able to go to your own school, we called it that even though it was just a sitter. We made a little book about it. The other thing we did was have an item that transitioned with us from each place, it was a little doll. We also had a planned activity for when she arrived at the daycare. She loved to color so she would get to pick her own little coloring sheet out and it worked out really well. I'm sharing our little school book next week on our site so perhaps you can print it off and create it with her. Again another option it to talk about the ways to get to the sitter's door from your car… have a handful of ideas like butterflies, birds, rabbits, big bears. Feel free to email us and I can give you more ideas.
Great ideas! What does the goal chart look like? I take it from the comments you can use it with more than one goal at a time? Do you and/or your child then rate themselves on how successful they were in achieving their goals each day? Thanks for the idea!
I have a four year old strong willed little girl. We run a highly structured house because of her. It has helped a lot. However, one area that just hasn't gotten better is drop off time at the sitter. She loves the sitter, and never wants to leave. So I know it is a transition issue. She goes 3 days a week to the sitter, and every day from Aug to May last year, she cried (screamed!) because I would not carry her from the van to the house. I have a two year old also, I do not carry either one of them. I have to pick this battle or they will both want to be carried (that and she is 4!) Do you have any suggestions? I go back to work next week (I am a teacher) and am really dreading drop off time. Thanks!!
Oh my goodness! This post feels like it was written about my 6yr old daughter. Ever since she was 2 it has been a constant battle. Everyone kept telling me "oh its the terrible 2s" then "terrible 3s" eventually it just became oh no she is just a strong willed little girl. She fought with me today because I gave her kool-aid with her meal instead of milk. I am going to have to print this out and post it where I can see it on a daily basis. I did the clothes organizer last year for kindergarten and it was a life saver. I am really going to need it now that her school closed and we are going to public school and so no more uniforms. I cant wait for those battles! They really do need structure. This is why part of me is not a big fan of summer vacation bc their structure of school comes to a stop. Now I have to build a structure during the summer which is hard bc we are always doing something different each day. Then it is back to the structure of school. I am trying to find a good way of transitioning from one to the other. Thanks for the great tips I need them.
Great post!
I'm so glad you stopped by and shared. 2 years old is a busy time when they are ready for the world but also learning to talk and not always able to express themselves and their wants and needs. Can cause lots of temper tantrums. I'm glad you found some things here to prepare for the near future.
Thanks Amanda! I'd love to hear if you have some more suggestions to add to the list of what works well with your kids too?
Thanks Cassie! Each one of my children have been very different, for the most part in teaching these strategies have worked pretty well for me over the years.
Thanks Jannell! I hope that the goal chart will work out for you. Keep in mind when creating it to consider picking one goal you know she'll achieve easily, children need to feel successful. Then you can pick one desired goal that she can work on.
Thanks for sharing, the more tools parents can have in their pockets the better it is for everyone.
Bethany I'm so glad you found a few new ones, you'll have to let us know how they work out.
Thanks, I hope you'll be able to use them with your little one too!
We started it at when Kindergarten started at age 5, althought we probably could have started it sooner in Preschool since that was when I noticed some frustations with getting dressed with the things I was picking out. It's funny becuase my son could have cared less even though becoming a teenager of what to wear. Every child is unique.
Some great comments that make me feel more positive. My daughter is 2 coming on 15 I think! However like you have mentioned she is very creative, talkative and confident. It is funny as I have adopted some of these techniques without realising it. I love the idea about getting ready in a morning at what age did you start this process?
Great tips! I feel so identified, having a strong willed child myself. Will most definatly try some of your tips!
Thanks, I think this is a great article. I know many of these tips have worked with my kids and I'm going to try the new ones I learned!
Thanks for sharing the tips that worked for you.
This is really awesome! I love how you kept control over the problem areas by helping her feel more control over them. Genius! I tweeted and stumbled this post.
I love this! It is great. A nice reminder about how each of my girls is different.
These are awesome! Its also a good reminder for myself that each child is different and I cant parent all my girls the same! My second born is definitely a strong-willed child and I can already see how these will work for her. (we already do a lot of this at home now) The goal chart is my favorite! We are going to do this today!! Thank you!!
Thank you for this post! My daughter is 2yrs old and is extremely strong willed. It has taken me a while to catch on, but I use some of the same strategies that you have listed and WOW! was a difference it has made. With her, communication is big! You have offered some ideas for obstacles that I will run into in the future. Thanks again.
Kim these are great ideas! I like how you have included a variety of ideas as I know things work differently for my kids in different situations. I just adore how you have structured your morning routine to help give your daughter control ahead of time with her outfit choices and I am looking for something to organize this for next year!!!
Thanks! Sometimes you have to pick your battles with a strong willed child and these are preventative measures to be able to find those teachable moments.
Distraction and redirection will not teach what the correct behavior should be. Aside from this, great tips!